I struggled with mental health issues for well over a decade, including 6 years of Lithium for bipolar disorder. When I was unwell, I didn't believe that life would ever be good again. I could not see how that would ever be possible. I was broken, I was useless, I could not cope with even the smallest amount of responsibility. I had no value and there was no point in being alive or making plans. Unless I was manic, in which case I made loads of plans, often really foolish ones.
I was the worst and the best person in the world, often simultaneously. Most days though, when I woke up it was all I could do to get out of bed. Sometimes I couldn't even do that. I could not see how this would ever change. There seemed no point to being alive. I looked around and everyone else seemed to be getting on with their lives and making progress while I was left behind, marooned in my own utter failure.
It took a long time and a lot of work to change the way that I thought and felt about myself. eventually I came to understand that I could watch for the thoughts that sent me on the mood spirals, up and down, and that there were ways to change how I reacted to these thoughts. Ways to become more like the person that I would like to be. It is an ongoing thing, but there can be progress, and there is a way out of even the darkest times.
Mostly, talking is what starts the process. Shining a light into the dark. Voicing the fears makes them lose their power. Admitting to others that you are struggling is a strength, not a weakness. You are not alone. Seek help. Give yourself a break. Try to find some healthier ways to help you to overcome the unhealthy thoughts. Because Yoda was wrong: "Do or do not, there is no try"? Trying is all we have. Trying is the difference between doing and not doing. Trying is the only way to make things better. One step at a time.
The pivotal moment for me was a psychiatric registrar who asked me if I was happy with who I was, to be a victim of my condition forever, to have a sicknote for life. "I can't help it, it's who I am" was my tortured refrain.
"No", he said, "it's where you are now. It's not who you are. You are not defined by your difficulties. You can be the person you would like to be, if you decide to learn how to overcome your challenges". He was right.
There are still difficult times, but I do not live in the darkness any more. And I believe that no-one else has to, if they choose not to.
